I'm not fat

I still can't say that out loud, but I'm trying. Yes, I could still stand to lose some weight, but at 152 pounds I'm within the range of normal and my BMI at 5'7" is under 24. (I've still got the bat wings, my inner thighs still touch a little and I've got some muffin-top if my pants are too small, but I digress) To say I'm not fat, though, sounds vain to me and I feel like an impostor. I still identify with myself at 194 pounds, really fat, and out of shape. Recently one of the women at work asked me why I'm always referring to myself as the "big girl" or as being overweight. I realized that my current coworkers never knew me as my 194 pound self, so they don't identify me as fat, or even formerly fat. I feel comfortable making fun of myself as the big girl, but that's something it's time for me to change. Especially with the kids getting older and really paying attention to everything we say and do, even my unintentional comments about my weight could lead to misperceptions for them that everything's about weight instead of health. And I certainly don't want to raise Cutie to think anything negative or her body, adorable fudgy thighs and all. I've got to learn to think of my weight and size as a non-issue. Most people seem to make it through days without ever referring to their own size, why is it something that I've always brought up more- just to put myself down for being fat? I'm never going to be waif-like or even skinny, but if I can be fit and healthy, that's what's most important.

Along the same lines, I've always referred to myself as slow. Yesterday I went to the group hill workout and the first four and a half repeats out of six went pretty well. I was actually only a couple steps behind a woman that I always considered pretty fast. I referred to myself as a slow runner and then realized that she could misinterpret my comment and think I was saying she's slow- since we were almost the same pace. I always told myself if I ever ran under a 10 minute mile, that would be fast. Well, two races now have been under 9 minute mile pace (okay, just barely) and I still don't feel fast. But I guess it's time for me to stop saying out loud that I'm slow. It used to drive me nuts on the cross-country team when the fast girls that were blowing by me would talk about how slow they were. I thought that speed was totally wasted on the fast because they didn't appreciate it at all. Maybe some day I'll get there, physically and mentally.