Saturday, November 15, 2008

Knowing isn't quite half the battle

I remember being the person that I want to be. As recently as two months ago I had myself thinking that I really had this all figured out. I was living the life that I only could have dreamed of; things were really going along great. I had this feeling of calm about me all the time, and the joy in my life was so overwhelming that it truly amazed me that I could deserve all of it. I had managed to lose the 15 pounds I had wanted to (the last 10 were a reach anyway), I had the perfect balance that included triathlon training, getting up at 4:30am, working my job, hanging with the family, all of it. I really thought that it was something I had managed to achieve myself. I have since come to realize, sure, I've got things all figured out. I am that person that I want to be, when everything in my life is going exactly according to the plan in my head. As soon as that gets derailed, I become someone else. It's someone I'm familiar with, having lived like that for years and I've got my good days when I'm almost who I want to be, but there's less patience, less tolerance, more moodiness, less joy. I find myself getting short with the kids, a tone has crept back into my voice that I thought was gone, one that I sometimes hear coming back at me now, and then I have to discipline them even though I know they're only repeating back what they've heard from me. I find myself getting hung up on small issues with my husband and at work, things that shouldn't be ruining my day now linger for not only that day, but a few more. I've got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that just sits there, and there's an underlying anger that I thought was gone. I can't pinpoint exactly what it was that brought about this change, and I can't predict what will resolve it. But I truly hope I can get back there because that year of my life was by far the best I've ever had and my family deserves to live with me as I was at my best. Until I get there, I'm going through the motions as best as I can and waiting.

On a training note, I've gained back five of the seven pounds I lost at the beginning of the TTW challenge. I'm too embarrassed to update those numbers, and I still hold out a little hope that I'll get back there, and a little below, before the end of it. I've got a 5K in two weeks and I'll be happy if I can finish in under 30 minutes. My asthma has been bugging me in the cold, so I might have trouble with the 5K, I'll just give it my best shot.


Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Best wishes as you work through your "stuff"

Hang in there.

And good luck with the 5K. Maybe that's just the therapy that you need. :-)

Anonymous said...

Go easy on yourself and go through it one day at a time. I know what you mean about things getting on top of you, and the change that happens with that. I am the same. When things are good, I'm good. When things get tough, I struggle.

Take care.

Triteacher said...

Interesting post. I have always played around with that notion of "the person that I want to be." What does it take to attain her?? Or is the first step letting go of the grasping of HER and accepting me?

Keep us posted.