Sunday, October 26, 2008

A sad good-bye

I haven't had such an emotionally draining week in a long time. I've applied for the nursing program, now have to figure out how we'll afford a year of potentially no income, finding health insurance, plus a school schedule that will be brutal. And that's if I get accepted. No way to know whether I'm making the right decision, but if I make the wrong one it would be much tougher years down the road.

Yesterday morning we said good-bye to our sweet Ozzy. Fortunately we were all able to go outside to play for about an hour and a half first. By the end he was too exhausted to play much and we knew that we were making the right decision about when it was time to say good-bye. Still didn't make it much easier, I cried most of the morning and I was holding his head as he passed. We hope he had a good life, he was certainly a wonderful dog and we'll all miss him. It's going to be a tough adjustment for Kodi, he was Ozzy's littermate and alpha dog. This morning we took him out for a walk and we let him run a few houses before returning to our house. In the past he's always grabbed Ozzy's leash and "walked" him home as they ran together. When my husband dropped his leash this morning, he circled around as if looking for Ozzy, and then just stayed with us. We hope to have years ahead of us with him. Here's a last picture of the two of them together, he's the shorter one.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Holdout

A completely non-training related post, but I feel like that's my life lately. I've got so much on my mind. I keep trying to remind myself that I have got a great life and these things on my mind are really all good. One thing I thought I was set with was the fact that we'll have three kids and that's it. They're wonderful, I'm truly blessed, I keep telling myself that should be good enough. Then a good friend of mine said she's pregnant with her fourth. Before the words "I'm so happy for you" had even finished leaving my mouth, "I'm so jealous!" was screaming through my head. I keep thinking I'm convinced that I'm okay with our family decision and then my heart decides it doesn't agree. What can you do when your heart holds out against all the practical, rational reasoning your mind can muster? I'm trying to convince myself to go the just "suck it up" route- I hope my heart comes around soon. Of course probably not as much as my husband hopes that, I can be miserable when I'm obsessing.

There's still the whole school-change-of-career thing in my life, too. I should have more answers this week after attending an open house about the nursing program.

I feel like I spend most of my time making excuses for why I'm not getting in the exercise and training that I should be. I'm not working towards the weight loss like I wanted to, and I'm just sort of floundering a bit. I may just take a break for a while until I've got my head, and maybe my life, a little more in order. Thanks to those that often leave me comments of support, I'll still be checking in. And who knows, maybe three days from now I'll be back to rant, rave or even post that I did something productive.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Things will always work out fine

Because I have this in my life.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A Rut

So I had an excellent first three weeks with the weight loss challenge, down seven pounds in that time and then.... not so much. I think I gained back three last week (although I'm cheating a little and not updating my weight until I'm back on track) because I ate like crap. Then this week I caught and cold and only made it to the gym on Monday. I was feeling better this morning but I still slept in.

I feel like I'm in a life rut. There are many uncertainties with my job future and I'm looking into other options. There are days when I really want to make this change. Then there are days when I realize I've got it really good here and going back to school and changing jobs, well, that would be hard. But is it worth it to stick with something just because it's easy? I could easily say no if it were only my life involved. But, I've got a family to support, so is it fair if I take away what makes life easiest for all of us, just so I can pursue something I think I am more passionate about? Then I start getting a little resentful that I've got all the responsibility for supporting a family and I feel a little tied into things that I can't control. But, if I stay where I am and I lose my job five, ten years down the road, the changes would be harder to make for all of us. I guess this is just one of those situations where I'll never know whether the decision I make is truly the best one, but it will end up being the right one. At least it will have to be.

Oh, and next week I'm getting back to the gym. Those 13 pounds won't lose themselves. These days I feel certain I won't lose them either, but I'll get working at it.