Monday, October 23, 2006

Gonna be a good week

7:59 for 1 mile on the treadmill this a.m. Woohoo!! I won't be pushing any faster than that in the near future, I hope to maybe increase the amount of time I can maintain that pace. Today it wouldn't have been another 10 seconds, that was IT, all she wrote. Throughout the day today I notice a familiar tightness in my lungs, sort of on the verge of an asthma attack all day. That would be the final sign that I need to tell me I'm not to attempt a faster mile for a while.

After posting about being fat I was reminded of a funny experience. The other morning in a class at the gym someone was asking about when the torture would be over. Another participant said "It's not over until the fat lady sings", to which I responded in a lovely falsetto "La, la, la, laaaa. Now are we done?". He looked a little confused and said, "what?" and I laughed and said "The fat lady has sung, can we go?". He said "You're not fat", as if I was being ridiculous, and it hit me that I hadn't known him until after I started going to the gym and had lost some weight. So he really didn't think that I was fat. Maybe I'm not really fat anymore. According to the BMI calculators I've gone from an obese BMI of 30.4 to a normal weight (although on the high side) BMI of 24.4. If I can get down to 140 pounds that's 21.9. I think I'll always identify with being fat. There's a part of me that's afraid as soon as I don't think I'm fat anymore, I'll go back to those old habits and end up fat again. When I was fat I didn't think of myself as being as fat as I was. Even in mirrors I could somehow get around it. It was pictures that did it for me. Couldn't hide the double chins, round cheeks and round rest of me from that camera. Ugghh, gives me the shivers thinking about some of the awful pictures out there. But, it's just a snapshot of where I was at the time, and they are good reminders that I don't want to return. I've always been pretty quick with the fat jokes, too, only in reference to myself, of course. I think it's more of a defense mechanism. If I make fun of myself first then no one else will want to. Also, it might help other people if they're not worried about being insulted because I'm busy insulting myself. Whatever reason, that's how I've always been, maybe I should work on self esteem issues.

Back to tracking calories, more faithfully this time. My range is supposed be 1360-1780, a pretty wide range. That's based on attempting to lose approximately 1 pound a week given a 2000 calorie expenditure for workouts. It's from a weight loss site, so I'm not sure how realistic it is for real training periods. Since I'm not in serious training I probably don't workout much more calories than that, anyway. It's sad how easy calories are to take in, but how much effort they take to work off.

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